Yesterday, I sat on my Grandmother’s porch swing and enjoyed what I love most about going home to visit — silence. There was nothing but the sounds of nature, the occasional car barreling past, and the creaking, swaying of the porch swing. It gave me a few brief moments of sweet solitude and a chance to clear my head, while opening my heart to the beauty of the day and a few moments of personal reflection.
Those moments of personal reflection are necessary. While I wish it could have been longer (my Grandma and Aunt followed me outside to talk non-stop), I was able to sit and think about who I am, what I’m doing, and where I’m going.
Sort of.
You see, in less than two weeks, I’ll know if we’re making a big move for my husbands job and I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some anxiety wrapped around that. A lot of anxiety. While we would be moving with an already established support network of close friends, change is hard. Breaking out of the comfort zone you’re already in is difficult at best.
The weirdest part I’m filled with wanderlust, yet once I’ve had my fill, I’m ready to come home and curl up in my space. Which is one filled with comfort and quiet. You know, the same old thing, day in, day out. I don’t like change on the home front. After all, it’s where the heart is.
My family has no idea about this potential move, either. We’ve given them hints, but I’m not so sure they’ve been taking us seriously. And with my Grandmother in poor health, it’s weighing on me heavily.
I know we can make home wherever we go, but this area I’m in is a special place for me. There’s something about it that has hold of my soul. Sure there’s nothing fancy here (like public transit) and we live quite simply, but I can’t shake this feeling of remorse, and we don’t even know if we’re moving — yet.
A few months ago, I thought I had everything figured out. However, if this is our future, my plans are going to change. The book I’m writing will either be put on hold, or much more difficult to write due to location. It wouldn’t be as difficult if it didn’t depend on heavy research and interviews. With my husband’s travel schedule, the burial that’s still not happened for his father (military red tape is always fun), and such a short amount of time before school starts in August, I’m feeling under the gun.
Spring break is this week and I think I’m going to take advantage of it. I’m heading to the beach for a day or two to clear my head. The ocean soothes my soul, giving me time to think and process. It’s perfect for the self-introspection I so desperately need right now.
