Earlier this evening, I read an article my friend “A” shared on Facebook about finding your passion. The author wrote that we know what our passion is and that we’re ignoring it. I didn’t like reading it and I did not like how it made me feel. I still don’t like it, nearly 24 hours later.
It makes me feel… like I am ignoring the whispering from my soul.
Truth be told, I am. I’ve become very good at blocking things. People, uncomfortable feelings, things I want to do but am too afraid to do — you name it and I’ve done it. Part of it started in my childhood as an act of self-preservation — parts of my childhood were incredibly beautiful and the other parts a horror story. And I have chosen to let the latter guide me.
Which explains some of the anxiety issues, impostor syndrome and creativity blocks I experience.
I’m intentionally blocking myself and not achieving my potential.
I’ve let so much noise from childhood, school, professionally, etc., affect me to the point that I sit and stare at a blank screen. I am writing fiction — not much, as I’m currently in the midst of a plot twist that I’m trying to work out — but that writing is the best I’ve ever put on paper — and it’s in a raw draft that cries for edits, but which will sit until it’s time for editing. Yet, there are days it’s just blank and I have nothing.
My journal hasn’t seen much action lately either. Just three times this month. If I’m not writing there, my brain is so befuddled and full I can’t focus because everything is floating around in my head — like the wax in a warm lava lamp — there is no rhyme or reason.
I know that I hold myself back. Maybe I keep waiting for some lightening bolt, when really, I don’t believe in the lightning bolt, so I have no idea WHY I would be waiting for it. Maybe I’m waiting for some DaVinci’esque inspiration, but I’m sure DaVinci would rattle in Italian why there is no such thing. I do believe in hard work and determination — but even my belief in that has faltered as of late.
It all comes back to avoidance and listening to those voices from long ago who told me I couldn’t do it, or who’ve told me as an adult in so many different ways.
Last night, a writer I greatly admire tweeted about an NBA game.
The NBA playoffs are like therapy. You can try to hide your flaws, but go deep enough and they all come spilling out.
— tommy tomlinson (@tommytomlinson) May 29, 2016
I think that all of my flaws are starting to spill out. I’ve hidden them for so long and so deeply, there’s just no more room.
I like to think of this as a period of deep and profound personal growth. We are always growing and changing and it’s when things are the hardest that our growth is happening. It certainly isn’t easy and there are days I wish for a magic wand, but the only magic wand I have is hard work. Remembering that hard work and recognizing that I do know what my passion is will get me to where I want to be. Even if I feel battered and am covered in mud when I reach the other side.